..just this ..

"It has been said
time heals all wounds.
I do not agree.
The wounds remain.
In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue,
and the pain lessens,
but it is never gone." (Rose Kennedy)

(krekel4wolf)

*** Artists ~ ***

~remembered~ ~ Artists ...

June 25th 2009

rock bottom ... again.
dealing with life endings, strangely enough, still silently *** ...still ...

triggered into the feeling once more ... maybe I'm ashamed or afraid to admit this ... however ... I needed to write it down ... share it with the air around me ...

* Yasmine ~

* MJ~

~this is it ...

It's a familiar feeling ~ being at the very bottom of your pain, your grief, and then having to discover there's another floor down ... and another one ... and I know that I can't run

only undergo

and go under ...

As nobody knows me either, really, but then again, I haven't given anyone a fair chance to ... afraid to drop the mask, my veil, showing people what I think they want to see ...
Francois de la Rochefoucauld : "We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end we become disguised to ourselves."
Therein I acknowledge that most probably I have become disguised to mySelf, and I guess that has to be the first step back ... in starting all over again ? ~ finding courage ... to choose *** ... and ...

... take down the veil ...

(Krekel 4Wolf)

~ Tsunamies .. ?

Wolf Learnings , “what you send out, will return to you” …?
~ I tried with this ‘site’ I posted to bring all these ‘uplifting’ and ‘spirited’ type of messages, I tried ‘for ever’ to put all this into practice, live by it, believe it, and then “report” about my “life experiences” here … talk about my thoughts, hopes, ideas, learnings, … share it all.

I have now caught myself writing about the negative, depressive, downward spiral I seem to find myself in … caught, trapped, stuck … and since I have nobody to share it with “in real life”, I started using this site – with which I had so many different intentions ! - as a ‘diary’-type of thing, my “listening ear”, the one and only place where I could put down all my fears, heartaches, confusion, despair … , and so I have been sharing all this. ~ with whom I’m sharing I do not know, the site doesn’t talk back … maybe a good thing … beats talking to my kitchen walls ;-)

I do want to believe all the Positive, Joyful, Meaningful things I’ve been studying, reading about, listening to … and I am convinced that it can work , for a lot of people , yet I have no idea how I can start being “one of those people” ??

Is it the “childhood trap” that defines who gets to be successful, happy, fortunate, healthy ,
and who gets to live the other side of these .. ? Is this early time in life the trigger for chances, either way ?
And if so, then how can I change it back, how –if so – can I “redefine” my destination ?
I was “rejected” as a child, abused, scared, threatened, …. and every inch of Effort I spent on trying to “turn the tables”, was destroyed over and over, by the one person I obviously paid the most attention to , out of fear, out of longing to be accepted, … out of stupidity ?? But even though I "rationally" get it, am aware of the mere fact that "I" am supposed to be the 'captain' of my thoughts and can NOW choose different thoughts to believe and live by, I do not seem to manage to put this 'awareness' into practice ; how do I apply all the things I learned about, how do I implement them in my daily life ??

How can I ‘forgive’, if this is according to Louise Hay the one key to turn illness back to health , when all my mistakes lead me where I am now ? How can I “unlearn” to be “hard” to myself, and so forgive myself for accepting what ‘dad’ had taught me to be the “only thing acceptable to succeed in life”, and in accepting his harsh commands, creating an illness called multiple sclerosis ……
How do I actually follow Christiane Beerlandt's "key to self-liberation", when 'understanding' is not enough to see it become a 'factual' thing ... ??

Understanding all is not enough ... "All is connected", then why do I keep feeling apart from it all ? Why do I still feel as is I'm within this 'void', this 'vacuum', allowed to look 'out' and see ALL, yet not able to join in and participate ... ?

How can I get “excited about my life” , the expression Dr. Phil so firmly starts off his shows with, when –at this point- there’s nothing to be excited about , there are only things to ‘run away from and hide from and try to escape from ; or try to “survive” …’
And how on earth can I believe the few things I tried to put on a “vision board” – Oprah kind of suggestion – to become reality, when my reality right now is still ‘defined’ by massive depression and major despair … ?? With one of those 'wishes', 'dreams' I once wanted to 'visualize', 'create', being the most selfish thing anyone could ever want ... 'becoming a mom' ... too late ! And good for that one too !! How could I ever have wanted to put a child into this world, when I myself do not particularly like being in it myself !??

Have I sent out “Alone-ness” Energy as my Soul challenge ?
Have I chosen ‘rejection’ as my Soul lesson ?
Am I here on Earth in this lifetime to give my Soul these chances to experience loneliness , fear, desperation ?

IS THERE A WAY TO CHOOSE AGAIN ?
I think I will remain angry at myself …’cause I think I made a huge mistake if this is really “my doing”, if all this is actually “my choice” …
I really wish to “start again”; re-direct, re-define, head for another destiny … !
~ and if I have to “sit this one out”, then my only hope is, that I will at least find some meaning in it still ... !!

Because this is what I learned so far : I cannot do this ALONE !!

~ So here’s my “Wolf-Learning-message” for this page : The saying :“We cannot stop the waves from rolling in, but we can learn how to surf …” I altered to : ” when the waves that come our way are “Tsunami-type” waves, forget about surfing, ..just keep holding your breath …till you‘re lifted out by Angels ” ~

(krekel 4Wolf)

~ wegwerpmens..'throw-me-away-person' ~

~ “wegwerpmens” … I am still the “just throw me away” person ..

... and so here my thoughts continue ... more mistakes : errors of 'feeling' ...

Lately, I seem to repeat the mistakes I already made , once … , or more times ?
Will I never learn ?
I have –once again- made a heartbreaking choice , and so I know I’m headed for ‘yet again’ a fall ~ can see it happening already, even though it might still be a million miles away …
HEARTACHE waiting to happen … again !

I used to believe – or I used to think I believed (?) - part of me at least was a passionate person, entitled to affection and maybe even love ? Did I not believe that hard enough ? Was it a false believe, not real, a mere mirage, a painful illusion ?
And so will I keep living this , the ‘ice-O-lation, that I know all too well ?
I do keep wondering “what did I do wrong?” “why am I –(probably)- too afraid to accept something real, something good, warm, uplifting “??
- why can’t I truly believe I deserve it, like so many - ?

Am I carrying a sign around, saying : just throw me away after you’re done with me! ?
‘Cause this is how I feel : een wegwerpmens , a ‘just throw me out’ person …
My principal and colleagues , even my pupils, thought I was “such a great teacher” , until my ‘substitute’-role was over, and over again, and again, … and never was I offered a ‘real’ position, not anywhere … So how ‘great’ was I really ? Just “throw me out” when you ‘don’t need me anymore’, when you’re done with me …
So-called ‘friends’ of mine, or some of the men in my life even, “liked me for so many different reasons” ; ‘I like your sense of humour’, ‘I love your brain’, ‘I think you are the kindest, most helpful person I’ve ever met’ …. ??? So where have they gone ?
Why is all this so false ? So not true ?
“Just throw me away” !!!

Nobody ever chooses for me ... Something must be so terribly wrong with me ??

At the end of the day, everybody always has “someone else” to go back to …
“so just throw me away !”

So why do I keep making this mistake ? Is it because I am in need for people around me at certain times ? Am I not strong enough to carry the ‘aloneness’ endlessly ?
I know it is going to hurt, again , because the ‘goodbye’ is waiting to appear, again …
Nobody ever chooses to stay, not “for real” , and so perhaps I should just terminate my attempts to belong, to be loved, to be accepted in a social setting … ?

So how come I keep making this mistake ?? I know pain is waiting, I know I'll start longing for more, for something real, for a true connection, ... at a certain point, I am a PERSON, not a ROBOT, yet it feels like that, people like me when they need me, NOT when I need them !! I am not allowed to 'need' ?
So I know that that 'real thing' is NOT going to happen, I was even told so already, more than once even ...
so why do I keep 'hurting' myself this way ...???

“Just Throw Me Away” ~ again ...
ik , de wegwerpmens …

?
(krekel 4Wolf)

~ Meeting again ...

It has been such a long time since I met with my Wolf here ~ and since I wrote down some of my deepest thoughts …Thoughts that kept me drawn within myself, within my head and within my Inner Being … so many thoughts that have been steering my feelings , in all kinds of ways, but mostly toward the edges of utmost fear, doubt, hesitation, and deep sadness.

So maybe it is time to let it all - or parts of it - surface, give me a chance to breathe deeper, find some Peace of mind, Peace of Being ~ ? Because the ‘living within my head’ for such a long time has made me a stranger to the world –once again, and a stranger to Myself. I chose to withdraw from the world that had proven to be a scary place to reside, yet I am aware of the simple fact that I most likely created it to be as such, and chose to regard it as fearful, but that this Soul probably did choose to come here for another reason … however I was not brave enough – for a long time – to meet the challenge.

Lots of stories start “once upon a time” .. So does mine.
Once upon a time there was a Soul, who chose to come back into the world, in a physical body, to take part in human Life, where there were chances to create realities that could bring her closer to the lessons she thought she wanted to encounter, opportunities to make her own hopes and dreams and aspirations become feasible, become real.
Somewhere along the way , for no obvious reason to mySelf at this point yet, she lost the dreams, hopes and aspirations, and started following demands, rules, and even ‘aspirations’ of someone outside herself…, outside mySelf. Society spoke, high-raging people that were following “society”, and that she had picked to be with, spoke , screamed, threatened , and even though at some times in her journey she had found courage to make different choices and follow different roads that felt closer to her own, she lost these as soon as she thought she had come across them !

Is it so, did I choose my parents to be my parents, to be born into this physical body with all the challenges it has been offering, and with all the events and ‘adventures’ that have been passing by and which I have allowed to sweep me along ?? Or rather, which I have “created” …?
Is it so, did I consciously take on all the things that I lived through so far ?
Was I the autist that decided it was time to stop living behind a wall and become brave enough to meet “the world differently” ?
And if so, did I choose wrong ??
And if so, did I really need to make m.s. a companion to tag along ?

I remember the “once upon a time”, when it felt “safe” to hide behind a wall, and experience Life “from a distance” …and how “unsafe” it felt, and still feels, more and more again every single day that comes along, to deal with it “up close and personal”. The Soul behind the wall was looking out, learning her own truths, yet keeping them safely Within ~ she had now chosen for a life in the ‘war-zone’, with fighting parents, extreme noises, painful physical encounters, her Within lost in a scary Without .
This maze in which she is residing never seemed to be where she wanted to go ?
Yet I am there !?

And my brain is –at this point still – a place of utter chaos …
Shall I say : to be continued ...

It feels as if lately I have been making so many mistakes again , and again, however careful and cautious I attempted to tread, those errors catapulted me right back into “my head” , the ‘ratio’ had to take over again, and spontaneous acts were banned …
‘cause however careful the treading, pain was created, whichever way I looked at it, too much pain …

It was as if I do believe, despite the screaming of this Soul Within, that I have no right to live my feelings?
feelings, sensations, …will, might, possibly create or lead to … pain !
There is no way I can allow mySelf to do that , inflict conflict in other people’s lives ~
then how should I live ??
and why does all this make me feel torn …
Because it is so far from the truth that I cannot deny it to be ‘not right’ … yet because I made this choice to follow my ‘needs’ , if only for a second in time, and because I chose to believe I was doing something right, if only for a fraction of a second in time, I inflicted pain – …
…- the kind of pain someone else, myriad times, inflicted in my life, and made me attempt so hard not to ever copy or imitate that …yet today I have ? Am I the child of the ones that raised me and is there no escape ?

So many questions in my head , and so many in my heart.
Is this the way my Soul needs to learn ? Or is it the ego-part of my ‘human’ shape that draws the cards ?
And how do I combine all the things that appear in my head, all the things I’ve come to believe, and all the things I seem to feel ??

Is there a way out of the ‘programmed brain’ my upbringing posed upon me?
How would I know whether my thoughts are in fact “my” thoughts, and how did I come to choose this “hand of cards” ?
Can a human ego “unlearn” the rules it came to master, and find back a Soul so lost ?
There is this need for me to write down these questions that invaded my head, caused sleepless nights, restless days, shattered my Faith in a right to Be.
Was there a reason for this Soul to descend into the physical plane and then get lost ?

Chaos ……………………

It is a given that “chaos” is not a constructive nor acceptable state of being in an autist mind ………
Where again did I say it was perhaps time to experience Life ‘up close and personal’ ?

There have been moments in my existence here on this planet when I did try it up close and personal, however, honesty bids it to add that those were probably the times when I wore the mask that others expected or wanted to see !
Where did I lose the Me-Creature , who is she , and do I really need to keep looking for her ?
Because I’ve grown accustomed to the mask, it is – sadly enough I now realise this !- another “safe wall” to hide behind and to prevent the Me-Soul from making horrible mistakes , which would, could, probably might cause PAIN … this does seem to be a rather full circle , does it not ……

Once upon a time – long long ago – the Me-Soul was a young adolescent, a ‘teenager’, who did not seem to fit in with all the other teenagers at the time ; help however did not come ;so the wall became a fact, and it was built thicker, higher, darker and heavier whenever the outside world grew gloomier …
One act of extreme bravery gave the Me-Soul run-away chances, but no matter how far she ran, she always ended up taking herself, and when herself wasn’t felt to be ‘good enough’, or felt to be ‘accepted’, she chose to retreat …
Walls turned to be masks, masks changed back into walls, …

The teacher-behind-the-Mask …
Does sound ‘zorro-ish’ , but was a true fact of this, my Life, at certain times ……
From behind the mask it felt safe enough to try to tell other ‘teenage Souls’, lost or losing themselves or doubting themselves, or ‘still dreaming and anticipating’ … about anything and everything ~
As there was the Wolf-Spirit Within, the teacher with Insights and understanding, compassion, Wisdom, knowledge from far beyond times ……
How did I lose her ? Did I lose her ? and if so, (I do remember someone at one point telling me “I am the Strength I seek”) will I allow the Strength I still seem to doubt find her back and start again ???
As this was never “my choice” ? I lived the life that my jailers expected me to live, and I did it one hundred percent right ! I became a master in acting ……
Yet when I was supposed to have chosen another purpose for my time here on this plane, why do I not quit the lies and let my Soul soar freely ?

Beautiful family to the “outside world”, in front of the eyes of society, never scrutinized ‘cause always accepted to be an “example” for everyone

Very lonely

Very hurt

And now “trapped” in a physical body that is trying to lead a life of its own ?
How can I “accept” a companion that hurts me more, that causes Fear, Anxiety, Pain ?
Isn’t it clear yet, ego-must-cease ?!! This companion the Me-Soul obviously chose to accompany her on the walk –(this is at times a painful joke !)- through Life, is probably the greatest of all Teachers ~
Moments I embrace the opportunity to learn, - all physical challenges do have symbolic messages for all of us – other moments I am too afraid to be willing to be “open-minded” …
I feel so tired !
Did I grow old before my time ??
Was I ever young ??
Just maybe I am an “old Soul” …

Again ~ to be continued ……

(Krekel 4 Wolf)

~~ride waves .....

~ ride waves ...
~ Day to day
where do you want to be ?
you can't stop the waves from rolling in
you can learn how to surf ?

but now you're trying to pick a fight
with yourself
for every wave you missed ...
you feel like a soldier

wounded
play the waiting game

in No One's Land
no one's to blame

you don't see things the way they are
you see things as you are ~
So feel your Fear

... then cease a Heartbeat

(Krekel -4wolf~)

...footprints in my heart ~

a tracker's brand of Hope
.... footprints in my heart ~

the trails we walk,
from our own beginning
through easy tidings and rough
having learned to walk forward
and walk on

Visionboards

finding out we can also walk back
the way we came where we came from
reverse retrace or stand still
putting one foot in front of the other
as long as we need to
or choose to
or can

Reflections

leaving traces on the path we touch
finding marks from other trackers
realising this is the trail we all walk
to learn whichever lesson presented
or searched and summoned
then counting on things working out for us
and conjuring the tracker's brand of Hope

Affirmations

discovering all kinds of footprints
some of which
look like our own
some of which
touch our hearts
walking alone walking alongside someone

Expeditions

where each of our lives
represent an unbroken chain
stretching back to the beginning of Time
each of our tracks embedded
in a web
that stretches to Eternity
none of us walks alone

eventhough it might feel like that
the most of times ...

(krekel -4Wolf~ )

~sto pensando a te ...

~ sto pensando a te ...
If I feel
morning follow night
the Magic of perception
or its curse .~
a point-of-view ..

I sometimes am
a midget
look up to cliffs
at clouds
and into quandary
- perpetual - or never

At times I am
a giant
see beyond hills
past the sky
and into clarity
- forEver

It doesn't matter what brought me
only what I will leave with
when I feel
night follow - that day

(krekel 4Wolf ~)

- Error

- error
ran out of seconds in overtime
had it right in front of my face
wanted to play along for a while
n thought I needed the fun
yet it was that moment I was trying to outrun
I entered the wrong stage
here I am the toy
I broke

I'm only older now ...
somewhere between
unsure and a hundred

gave up the questions in this head
where right and wrong answers
were being the same
I lay down the rulebook to this game
but I was stranded in the wrong time
here I am the one
I am running from

I'm only older now ...
somewhere between
unsure and a hundred

so this is the time, to pretend
to be indifferent to what I feel ~

(krekel - 4Wolf ~)

Quaerere ... ~ Dancer of the Soul ..

Quaerere ...
~ Dancer of the Soul..

Maybe the truth is
I can't be happy
or accepting
the what-has-been
the what-is
yet ?
because ... then what ?
Perhaps it is all about the Quest
the search
learning to live my journey ...
'cause the more lost I feel
the more remains to look forward to ?
Will I find the Dancer of my Soul ~

Maybe I should accept
to be a daring explorer
and face
my fears ?
still - the total obliteration of my 'longing for death'
the other life
my unsafe safe-Haven
terrifies me
... myriad times have I attempted to let it go
infinite times returned to it
And still this one thing recurs
- I do not want to die - but I do ..
two parts in me ?
will I submit to the Dancer of this Soul ?

If this is my Quest
itineris
wherever it may bring me
I should go ?
A moment should hold the ability
to change everything
when I think I can be brave
cross the threshold of my heart -
forget to look back
at ... bygones
just BE in the moment
.. one moment at a time
~ embracing the Dancer of this, my Soul ~


(krekel - 4Wolf)

Beyond the Enchanted Universe ~Surrender ...

Beyond the Enchanted Universe ~ Surrender ...
I am not invisible, even though I feel invisible …but I don’t have to keep living a secret .. hidden …
Someone very smart once pointed that out to me ~

I have been evaluating my Life ~
What I discovered has now led me to –what I see as – a terminal ; a full stop ; the point where all can end
My life has no more meaning ~
I feel to have failed at it , failed at everything I ever thought I needed to attempt…
I failed my life –
There is nothing left ~ nothing that matters ~ nothing to show for ~ no reason to keep moving on … and so I’m standing still …

And realising that my way of thinking is completely disrupted , incorrect , so far from what I ever claimed to be right, true, a more positive option .. makes me feel even more “failure”

I had to let go of my job - again – this is the trigger that started the whole downward spiral in which I seem to find myself –and have been – for too long a time… it triggered me right back into the hellish ‘no man’s land’ I thought I had freed myself from a long time ago ~ there is no freeing from abuse , it keeps haunting the Soul, every waking moment, every nightmare, every non-attentive second of each day …
I could never fool myself enough to actually keep believing that I could run from it, outrun it, break away
It has caught up with me again , and as long as I can’t accept it, deal with it, experience the emotions, pain, anger,
and too many of those rather negative feelings and memories , as long as I keep living the aversion of it, I will keep failing my life …
Having to let go of the job made me lose my safe-haven , the time of day when I could pretend that Life was okay and that I could deal …

I had to let go of the job – and I had identified with it , needed it , and now feel so lost without it.
My work was …what I do , and who I am …
So I have become a nothing ~ I’ve been diminished to no-thingness .. and it hurts !
I have been trying to keep “looking around the Riverbend”, trying to keep believing that indeed there must have been a reason for me
to “have to ‘let go’ of the job – again” … but all I see is the fiercely swirling water
in which I now find myself drowning.
People need changes, changes are a good thing … NOT !
Expressions like these are only used when something that you don’t want to happen, will happen !
There is nothing comforting about it … the truth is : changes are scary ! Especially the ones that are out of your control …
So is this my lesson in this lifetime ? Learning to “let go” , “say goodbye” , “welcome changes” ??
All I know is - I can’t do it ! I have been longing for a chance to start building something …
All I ever have to do, is “let go again” …

Wearing the mask I have been wearing, allowing no mistakes , doing the things that were demanded of me, becoming someone they wanted me to be , then being resented for doing it better than they ever could, trying to always please ~ and getting addicted to it in the end …
just wears me out , and has made me Fail My Life ! There is nothing left …
I have no family to call my own , no job to matter, no friends or colleagues who think I am worth remembering ,
no future to look forward to , no more dreams, no more hope …
So where is the great matter I was trying to teach my pupils, share with them ??
Was it an illusion ?

I will never find it With-Out , as long as indeed I can’t find it With-In …
But all I feel within, is an enormous, painful Emptiness ~ It’s like losing Faith , losing your religion ~
Losing everything I thought I once believed in , everything I thought I had discovered ?
It doesn’t seem to work for me anymore … and I know why, yet there’s nothing I can do about it.
It’s a thing called Ice-olation – isolation kills ! Iceolation only leaves room for Death …

Like my Inner Wolf has quietly died down, howling no more … I am quietly dying …
Everyone needs ‘others’ , to share ideas with, discuss beliefs, socialise and therefore grow …
To receive confirmation sometimes, and to give it – to find it With-in so you can give it to yourself …
to learn through examples, try outs, mistakes, positioning, participation ~ … to be a worthy member of the pack ~
……………….

Knowing all the above, yet being completely torn down by Feeling all the above, has left me with that one choice ,one giant leap , however
the only One still acceptable to me at this point
I want it all to end

The idea of Suicide ~ “Mors Voluntaria” ~ has been my friend for a long time ~
I have always found it comforting to know that there is this one thing I can actually decide for myself !
It is on the other hand just as scary now that I realise I will choose this option once again, it is so close at hand,
and I did learn from this mistake of mine before … I will not repeat it and fail, this time around it will terminate my existence on this level
– full stop.

I know that at one point in this earthly life I believed that spirits shouldn’t get to make this one decision
… it is time to go, when it is time to go … It shouldn’t be upto me to set that time.
Yet I have changed my mind on that
… and that too is a right.
Being the failure-at-life that I am, I should at least attempt to be successful at death ~

My last “pack” of pupils I ever taught is on their way to graduate “cub”-hood and move into the adult world exploring it as they choose …
and I know they will be able to do so
I miss being part of that glorious moment of theirs, yet I know it is okay for me to leave,
as it doesn’t really matter who sees them do it … as long as they do it !

I know that deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. This was written in a book someone dearly cherrished once hand-made for me !
But the real universe is always one step beyond logic !
So my choice complies with the universe, and will be understood by those
who accept to travel a point of view where many different pathways meet …

I cherish Marcus Aurelius “A life without a purpose is a languid, drifting thing”
~ and will therefore end the drifting here …

(krekel-4Wolf.)

Closure ~ ... The End

Closure ~
... The End






Full Moon
is leading me

astray
away from reason and thought
into the debts of
Emotions , Feelings
onto
hollow ground
through
battlefields and wasteland

where stakes are burning brightly
where confusion rules,
pain prevails, and dismay thrives

Its shadows deep and dark
penting up unspoken despair
leaving no exit for a last futile attempt
no escape from dismal failure ...

When in Its spotlight
the Inner wolf surrendered to his howl
my life scrutinized
tried
and
found wanting ~

(krekel ~ 4Wolf.)

And goodbye to you,grandpa ... Smaller "our pack" got again ...

and goodbye to you, grandpa...
Pa, bompa, - Dad, grandpa,
balanceren op die dunne lijn - balancing that thin line
tussen Vreugde - between Joy
en verdriet -and sadness
beseffen dat het pad tussen -realising that the path between
die twee -those two
telkens opnieuw -over and over again
grote uitdagingen meebrengt - presents big challenges
en toch -and still
die stukjes in deze legpuzzel van het Leven -seek, accept, try out ...
zoeken, aannemen, uitproberen ... -these pieces in the jigsawpuzzle of our Life

met ons mee-stappen, mee-dansen -walk-with us, dance-with us
op de maten van de muziek - on the rhythm of the music
in jouw hart, -in your heart,
in het onze -and in ours
en zo...wat lege stukjes invullen - and this way ... fill some empty spaces
waardoor ons Leven anders werd, -to make life different
en rijker -more enriched
waardoor het Ritme werd herschreven - to rewrite the Rhythm
de toonaard warmer ~ - a warmer Key
De Zon kon schijnen in ons Hart -The Sun could shine in our Hearts
De Zwaluwen bleven wat langer - The Swallows stayed a little longer
nu mag jij mee met hen -Now you are invited to go with them
op die lange reis -on that vast Journey
doorheen de poort van de Eeuwigheid - Through the Gate of Eternity

Wij koesteren de tonen -We are left to cherish the tune
waarop we samen dansten -To which we danced together
waardoor we morgen -because of which, tomorrow,
weer zwaluwen begroeten -we'll greet swallows again
aan verre Einders -on far away Vistas ...
... en dichtbij ~ - ... and nearby ~

(krekel -4Wolf ~ 21-09-'06)

Farewell granny ~ our "pack" got smaller...

farewell granny~
Moedertje, bomma -Ma, gran
Je maakte 92 jaren vol - you filled a full 92 years
om ineens, woordenloos - to suddenly, without a word
onder deze volle maan - under this Full Moon
aan jouw reis naar andere sferen te beginnen - -commence your journey
to different planes..
Zo leerde je ons, op jouw manier -this you now taught us, in your own way
een Levens-grote les - a grand Life Lesson
dat in een vingerknip -that in a fraction of a moment
al wat wij mensen proberen te voorzien -all that us people try to foresee
plots ophoudt te zijn ... -instantly ceases to Be ...

dat in één laatste adem -that in one last breath
bijna een eeuw gewoontes, verwachtingen -almost a century of habits, expectations
plannen, stille hoop -plans, silent Hope
het Leven stilstaat, wijzigt, herbegint ... -Life stops, changes, starts over ...

dat in één oogopslag -that in the blink of an eye
'tijd' zoals wij hem samen beleefden -"time" as we lived it
ook eindigen moest ... -had to end ...

Jouw nood aan Samen-Zijn met paps, - your need of Together-ness with dad
aanwezigheid van ons -presence of the four of us
werd nu voor hem, voor ons -now became for him, for us
intens gemis aan jou ... -an intens 'missing you' ...

Jouw Levensboom -your Tree of Life
liet heel zachtjes -softly shed
één blaadje los ... -one leaf ...
en jij verwelkomde ons zo -and this was your way, of welcoming us
~ in het Seizoen van afscheid. ~ in a Season of Farewells .

(krekel -4Wolf ~ 06-09-'06)
~so this one was, my final ode for you ...

~Invisible

~Invisible
... sometimes I wish
I was as invisible
as I feel

silences solidified
my being erased
leaving the hollow void I have travelled
through
within
entering the realness
of... a nothing ~

4ever.

(krekel.~4wolf.)

Lost-in-shadows ~

lost-in-shadows ~
In complete darkness
I live in the shadows of a Life
try to hide from the world
with judgements overwhelming
in constant fear of condemnation
when outside their lines - my thing

In these mists of confusion
I live a lie
try to hide from the accusing crowds
who are too blind to see
the walls fencing the sorrow
inside of me

this sadness strikes the chord
of grief
so trapped inside my mind
which tears me
into pieces - how deep will I dive
cause that what may kill me
now keeps me alive ...

There is no Try but only Do
and not-to-need
keeps me dwelling "in between"
resist the hurts
un-break my chains ~
these never-healing bruises
my everlasting gains ..

the sound of white
echoed from an indifferent sea
if I am dying inside
nobody knows it ... but me.

Krekel ~ 4Wolf.

~alone-nesses

~ alone-nesses

~ alone-ness

create

new words in
the mind ..
create
nothing else..

beyond creation
past creating

before nothing-ness
after dead-lines

in between
shadows , light,
always
in night ..

so should night fall
before it is caught ...
-stop time ..

(krekel -4wolf.)

Keyholders...

keyholders ...
"If you lose the key
throw away the house ..."


gatekeeper's what we are
lots of gates
near and far
pockets full of keys
locks to open, if WE please ...

for butterflies dancing in our stomach
return the dream embroidered
in a memory
when invited in our hearts
make us choose and live our parts

so if we think our bus won't come
we might just catch...a fast cloud
yet keep on matching locks to
all the keys we hold
will make us see our lives unfold ~


for even if one bird forgets its song
a pebble will always be singing
so keep trying all your keys ...

(krekel - 4Wolf.)

~La chute libre - Free Fall ...

~ la chute libre - free fall ...

rollercoaster rides will end
lost - the beginning
times were bent
lies were told
mistakes unfold
an echo of a cry

promises to long lost hopes
truths kept hidden
behind telescopes
merry-go-rounds
circle of souds
the stories of a life

and when we rise
before we fall
which we despise
we have the choice
an inner voice
we then deny

and take it ~ freely ...

(krekel- 4Wolf)

Below the Night ~ ... observing thoughts ...

Below the Night ~ … observing thoughts …

So what if this waking up ignited a journey through thoughts … ? I just thought I really wanted to try and observe my thoughts ? so what if a thought ignited my Being ...?
~ work in progress ?
felt need to censor this writing on the observation of thoughts ? ~
what if I censor ALL thoughts ? would I stop to exist ??

am I happy ?
continuous thoughts ...
Look at that – my bed – a war-zone ? There’s the paper collect lorry oops loads of laundry to be done ..
Why do I resent this water on my face in the morning ? did I stop thinking when I walked from my room to the bathroom ? or did I just stop observing what I was thinking ?? day cream hand doesn’t hold the hairclip what is it I look at when I look at this face in the mirror - don’t like to look at myself- then stop looking already - so I’m not ok with myself ?
Today-things that go downstairs with me stair treadboard talks with each step I take … have to stop wasting time by being so slow and fidgeting with detail stuff.. calendar sheet.. joke of day ..saint of day.. name of day..
Hello light hello other window light hello wombat on window-sill hi sweeties in kitchen basket- some of my thoughts are being spoken ?? catfoodtin fill water swallow pills one at a time is easier have more water.. where are my keys? wellies coat buckets with water
Back up car do not hit the wall !!! do not run over wombat !!! busy traffic move already you nitwit did I skip thinking when activities started being more restless ? no maybe just stopped observation of all thoughts ? so funny there seems to be a time-loop between that last observed thought and my actions.. hello jesse!
Weird how much thought goes with all doings ?! birds must be starving lately just hung birdseeds yesterday gone already … yeayea jesse here’s your food you’re a good horse I love you hello schaapke ! hi moesje ! hi mr wing and mr streepje … Zeeeeebriiiiii and there’s the Mol-train trees greener grass greener should start cutting shrubbery zebri where did you go ? miss you love you thanks for having been in my life ...feel edgy.. have to start hurrying don’t want to be late now feel slight panic taking over close gate bye jesse bye poesjes bye birds later! Don’t feel happy at this moment .. am not ok with myself ! Don’t want to have to do this anymore; appointments timetables other people’s timetables don’t want to be late usually people don’t like it when you’re late especially medical people who have loads of appointments a day … still have to change clothes get home already more panic ..throat starting to close up chest pounding can’t swallow can’t breathe .. can’t find socks.. Time gets to be so tangible when I rush what if I’m late he’ll be angry ? I can’t take angry people anymore still can’t breathe am not even out and driving yet what will he think of me? Am always worried about what others think … stop driving yourself crazy … no, doesn’t work … try remember why you are going ! focus on breathing ! breathe breathe slower breathe more oxygen deep breath - no, still doesn’t work - so maybe it’s time to colour outside the lines … is this a right thought ?? if all my thoughts create my reality ... then why not choose different ones ? would that make me feel better ?
I create all that is going on - about me - with me - help, even what other people think of me or say ... all those are MY own thoughts ~ reflected ...
so he will show me what I think of myself ? what a scary thought that just was ...
Am I really stupid or something? I am probably? And so is the one in front of my car … how judgemental was that ? maybe I am a judgemental person am I thinking too loudly? Can one think too loudly ?
so do I think loud? is this one a loud thought? And will I reflect this in someone ??
will that make me feel bad ?
Hey you, did you hear me think it ?? if I think you do, you will ?
Is this a right thought ? is there such a thing as a right or wrong thought ? I’m so not ok with who I am and how I am … ?
Why do I always think that I think wrong thoughts ? or wrong ways ?
How come some thoughts keep going on about the same one issue ? others are in my head and gone in a blink red light
Sometimes it feels as if I’m on auto-pilot driving and thinking and not thinking about the driving ??
Am I speeding ? I need a car-park space I still need a car-park space angels of car-park spaces I need a car-park space remember to take the keys off the lock
How do I look ? sh*t did I brush my teeth ? I’m sure I did ? I’m sure I would be even less ok with myself if I hadn’t ? what am I wearing? No one else in waiting- room … what am I going to say when he asks me how I am ? how I have been? Invent something quicker!! Hurry !!! invent something else !!! why did I censor that thought ? what is he going to think of me? What does he always think of me? what do I always think of me ???
feel as if my stomach is being squeezed feel like crying always feel like crying?
Am I hyperventilating now? Feel dizzy? Feel woozy breathe slowly !! slower!! Take thoughts off whatever causes this stress and so that would be ? distract
That potplant looks particularly unhappy … poor plant you are too big for this room aren’t you ceiling too low for you doesn’t anyone see that? Stupid people ? judgemental again !? door - my turn - help !
Outside - did I stop thinking while I was in there ? don’t think so , yet haven’t been doing any active observing of the thoughts ?? now more thoughts than I can place so am I happy ever? What do I usually say to that one ? does hand annoy me all the time? Does shoulder hurt all the time ?? how can you answer any of these things if you can’t define ‘all the time’ ever !??? is this a right thought ?
I move too slowly lots of comments have been made about that too am I too slow? Probably I am when I think I am ~ again then others will think it too ??
I seem to always worry about what people think of me I seem forever to worry about what people say to me about me so I seem to always worry about what I think and about what I do and about how I do what I do and about what I say and about how I say what I say and this is becoming a vicious circle of the same kind of thoughts are these wrong thoughts ?
I am a true hypocrite I guess will a hundred times tell others to not pay attention to what people say or think about them … yet that would be only what they think about themselves then ? am I unhappy now? I am always afraid of what others think of me so I am always afraid of what I think of myself ? I am always afraid of what others say about me I always and forever feel insecure about me cause that is what I'll reflect in others ... and so it is a lie to say I am who I am I am not ! it is a game a roll an attempt to be who I would think I might want to be? trying to figure out what is acceptable 'out there' ~ now need to think it ~ trying to discover what the world wants ~ now need to think this ... ~ no, actually just want to begin hiding from the world ~ finding a safe cave to become a perfect hermit who needs never to face herself nor 'her reflections' again ... ??
Maybe I should stop observing my thoughts now ? and are these still MY thoughts ?
and maybe pay attention to the traffic?
So does the journey through this dark side of the Moon end here ? or just the active observing of it ? was the waking into a silly thought about a silly activity with thoughts enough to feed my whatever need I seemed to have had when I started the trip ? is this a right question to think ????????
Would I be happy if the answer to this one were yes ???
Cut !!!!!!!!!! ~ start censorship now ?? ~ scary ... these were responsible for the creation of my reality of the past few hours ... ~ by all means : do censor !!!!!!!!

(~ krekel -4Wolf)

below the Night ~ the dark side of the Moon

below the Night ~ the dark side of the Moon

I'm sure that one day
I'll wake, and feel it's possible for me to fly
passed homesickness ...
no longer wonder why ~

for now it is the dark side of the Moon
that feeds this void , a lack of light
hollow emptiness
the journey, travelling below the Night

It is a comfortable route
these dark paths familiar
I know now where the pack resides
and still
some hikes alone be lonesome
even in a howling crowd
especially there
All should be found within myself
yet the dark side of the Moon just cast its veil
and this I let happen, I embrace a shadow dip
its secret force too pure
onto the compass that I hold
for among these stakes
below the Night
I always seem to find myself
no fight ...

why does Life always start tomorrow ... ?

(krekel ~4Wolf.)