Below the Night ~ ... observing thoughts ...
Below the Night ~ … observing thoughts …
So what if this waking up ignited a journey through thoughts … ? I just thought I really wanted to try and observe my thoughts ? so what if a thought ignited my Being ...?
~ work in progress ?
felt need to censor this writing on the observation of thoughts ? ~
what if I censor ALL thoughts ? would I stop to exist ??
am I happy ?
continuous thoughts ...
Look at that – my bed – a war-zone ? There’s the paper collect lorry oops loads of laundry to be done ..
Why do I resent this water on my face in the morning ? did I stop thinking when I walked from my room to the bathroom ? or did I just stop observing what I was thinking ?? day cream hand doesn’t hold the hairclip what is it I look at when I look at this face in the mirror - don’t like to look at myself- then stop looking already - so I’m not ok with myself ?
Today-things that go downstairs with me stair treadboard talks with each step I take … have to stop wasting time by being so slow and fidgeting with detail stuff.. calendar sheet.. joke of day ..saint of day.. name of day..
Hello light hello other window light hello wombat on window-sill hi sweeties in kitchen basket- some of my thoughts are being spoken ?? catfoodtin fill water swallow pills one at a time is easier have more water.. where are my keys? wellies coat buckets with water
Back up car do not hit the wall !!! do not run over wombat !!! busy traffic move already you nitwit did I skip thinking when activities started being more restless ? no maybe just stopped observation of all thoughts ? so funny there seems to be a time-loop between that last observed thought and my actions.. hello jesse!
Weird how much thought goes with all doings ?! birds must be starving lately just hung birdseeds yesterday gone already … yeayea jesse here’s your food you’re a good horse I love you hello schaapke ! hi moesje ! hi mr wing and mr streepje … Zeeeeebriiiiii and there’s the Mol-train trees greener grass greener should start cutting shrubbery zebri where did you go ? miss you love you thanks for having been in my life ...feel edgy.. have to start hurrying don’t want to be late now feel slight panic taking over close gate bye jesse bye poesjes bye birds later! Don’t feel happy at this moment .. am not ok with myself ! Don’t want to have to do this anymore; appointments timetables other people’s timetables don’t want to be late usually people don’t like it when you’re late especially medical people who have loads of appointments a day … still have to change clothes get home already more panic ..throat starting to close up chest pounding can’t swallow can’t breathe .. can’t find socks.. Time gets to be so tangible when I rush what if I’m late he’ll be angry ? I can’t take angry people anymore still can’t breathe am not even out and driving yet what will he think of me? Am always worried about what others think … stop driving yourself crazy … no, doesn’t work … try remember why you are going ! focus on breathing ! breathe breathe slower breathe more oxygen deep breath - no, still doesn’t work - so maybe it’s time to colour outside the lines … is this a right thought ?? if all my thoughts create my reality ... then why not choose different ones ? would that make me feel better ?
I create all that is going on - about me - with me - help, even what other people think of me or say ... all those are MY own thoughts ~ reflected ...
so he will show me what I think of myself ? what a scary thought that just was ...
Am I really stupid or something? I am probably? And so is the one in front of my car … how judgemental was that ? maybe I am a judgemental person am I thinking too loudly? Can one think too loudly ?
so do I think loud? is this one a loud thought? And will I reflect this in someone ??
will that make me feel bad ?
Hey you, did you hear me think it ?? if I think you do, you will ?
Is this a right thought ? is there such a thing as a right or wrong thought ? I’m so not ok with who I am and how I am … ?
Why do I always think that I think wrong thoughts ? or wrong ways ?
How come some thoughts keep going on about the same one issue ? others are in my head and gone in a blink red light
Sometimes it feels as if I’m on auto-pilot driving and thinking and not thinking about the driving ??
Am I speeding ? I need a car-park space I still need a car-park space angels of car-park spaces I need a car-park space remember to take the keys off the lock
How do I look ? sh*t did I brush my teeth ? I’m sure I did ? I’m sure I would be even less ok with myself if I hadn’t ? what am I wearing? No one else in waiting- room … what am I going to say when he asks me how I am ? how I have been? Invent something quicker!! Hurry !!! invent something else !!! why did I censor that thought ? what is he going to think of me? What does he always think of me? what do I always think of me ???
feel as if my stomach is being squeezed feel like crying always feel like crying?
Am I hyperventilating now? Feel dizzy? Feel woozy breathe slowly !! slower!! Take thoughts off whatever causes this stress and so that would be ? distract
That potplant looks particularly unhappy … poor plant you are too big for this room aren’t you ceiling too low for you doesn’t anyone see that? Stupid people ? judgemental again !? door - my turn - help !
Outside - did I stop thinking while I was in there ? don’t think so , yet haven’t been doing any active observing of the thoughts ?? now more thoughts than I can place so am I happy ever? What do I usually say to that one ? does hand annoy me all the time? Does shoulder hurt all the time ?? how can you answer any of these things if you can’t define ‘all the time’ ever !??? is this a right thought ?
I move too slowly lots of comments have been made about that too am I too slow? Probably I am when I think I am ~ again then others will think it too ??
I seem to always worry about what people think of me I seem forever to worry about what people say to me about me so I seem to always worry about what I think and about what I do and about how I do what I do and about what I say and about how I say what I say and this is becoming a vicious circle of the same kind of thoughts are these wrong thoughts ?
I am a true hypocrite I guess will a hundred times tell others to not pay attention to what people say or think about them … yet that would be only what they think about themselves then ? am I unhappy now? I am always afraid of what others think of me so I am always afraid of what I think of myself ? I am always afraid of what others say about me I always and forever feel insecure about me cause that is what I'll reflect in others ... and so it is a lie to say I am who I am I am not ! it is a game a roll an attempt to be who I would think I might want to be? trying to figure out what is acceptable 'out there' ~ now need to think it ~ trying to discover what the world wants ~ now need to think this ... ~ no, actually just want to begin hiding from the world ~ finding a safe cave to become a perfect hermit who needs never to face herself nor 'her reflections' again ... ??
Maybe I should stop observing my thoughts now ? and are these still MY thoughts ?
and maybe pay attention to the traffic?
So does the journey through this dark side of the Moon end here ? or just the active observing of it ? was the waking into a silly thought about a silly activity with thoughts enough to feed my whatever need I seemed to have had when I started the trip ? is this a right question to think ????????
Would I be happy if the answer to this one were yes ???
Cut !!!!!!!!!! ~ start censorship now ?? ~ scary ... these were responsible for the creation of my reality of the past few hours ... ~ by all means : do censor !!!!!!!!
(~ krekel -4Wolf)
posted by 4Wolf (krekel) at 1:11 am
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