~ wegwerpmens..'throw-me-away-person' ~

~ “wegwerpmens” … I am still the “just throw me away” person ..

... and so here my thoughts continue ... more mistakes : errors of 'feeling' ...

Lately, I seem to repeat the mistakes I already made , once … , or more times ?
Will I never learn ?
I have –once again- made a heartbreaking choice , and so I know I’m headed for ‘yet again’ a fall ~ can see it happening already, even though it might still be a million miles away …
HEARTACHE waiting to happen … again !

I used to believe – or I used to think I believed (?) - part of me at least was a passionate person, entitled to affection and maybe even love ? Did I not believe that hard enough ? Was it a false believe, not real, a mere mirage, a painful illusion ?
And so will I keep living this , the ‘ice-O-lation, that I know all too well ?
I do keep wondering “what did I do wrong?” “why am I –(probably)- too afraid to accept something real, something good, warm, uplifting “??
- why can’t I truly believe I deserve it, like so many - ?

Am I carrying a sign around, saying : just throw me away after you’re done with me! ?
‘Cause this is how I feel : een wegwerpmens , a ‘just throw me out’ person …
My principal and colleagues , even my pupils, thought I was “such a great teacher” , until my ‘substitute’-role was over, and over again, and again, … and never was I offered a ‘real’ position, not anywhere … So how ‘great’ was I really ? Just “throw me out” when you ‘don’t need me anymore’, when you’re done with me …
So-called ‘friends’ of mine, or some of the men in my life even, “liked me for so many different reasons” ; ‘I like your sense of humour’, ‘I love your brain’, ‘I think you are the kindest, most helpful person I’ve ever met’ …. ??? So where have they gone ?
Why is all this so false ? So not true ?
“Just throw me away” !!!

Nobody ever chooses for me ... Something must be so terribly wrong with me ??

At the end of the day, everybody always has “someone else” to go back to …
“so just throw me away !”

So why do I keep making this mistake ? Is it because I am in need for people around me at certain times ? Am I not strong enough to carry the ‘aloneness’ endlessly ?
I know it is going to hurt, again , because the ‘goodbye’ is waiting to appear, again …
Nobody ever chooses to stay, not “for real” , and so perhaps I should just terminate my attempts to belong, to be loved, to be accepted in a social setting … ?

So how come I keep making this mistake ?? I know pain is waiting, I know I'll start longing for more, for something real, for a true connection, ... at a certain point, I am a PERSON, not a ROBOT, yet it feels like that, people like me when they need me, NOT when I need them !! I am not allowed to 'need' ?
So I know that that 'real thing' is NOT going to happen, I was even told so already, more than once even ...
so why do I keep 'hurting' myself this way ...???

“Just Throw Me Away” ~ again ...
ik , de wegwerpmens …

?
(krekel 4Wolf)