Beyond the Enchanted Universe ~Surrender ...

Beyond the Enchanted Universe ~ Surrender ...
I am not invisible, even though I feel invisible …but I don’t have to keep living a secret .. hidden …
Someone very smart once pointed that out to me ~

I have been evaluating my Life ~
What I discovered has now led me to –what I see as – a terminal ; a full stop ; the point where all can end
My life has no more meaning ~
I feel to have failed at it , failed at everything I ever thought I needed to attempt…
I failed my life –
There is nothing left ~ nothing that matters ~ nothing to show for ~ no reason to keep moving on … and so I’m standing still …

And realising that my way of thinking is completely disrupted , incorrect , so far from what I ever claimed to be right, true, a more positive option .. makes me feel even more “failure”

I had to let go of my job - again – this is the trigger that started the whole downward spiral in which I seem to find myself –and have been – for too long a time… it triggered me right back into the hellish ‘no man’s land’ I thought I had freed myself from a long time ago ~ there is no freeing from abuse , it keeps haunting the Soul, every waking moment, every nightmare, every non-attentive second of each day …
I could never fool myself enough to actually keep believing that I could run from it, outrun it, break away
It has caught up with me again , and as long as I can’t accept it, deal with it, experience the emotions, pain, anger,
and too many of those rather negative feelings and memories , as long as I keep living the aversion of it, I will keep failing my life …
Having to let go of the job made me lose my safe-haven , the time of day when I could pretend that Life was okay and that I could deal …

I had to let go of the job – and I had identified with it , needed it , and now feel so lost without it.
My work was …what I do , and who I am …
So I have become a nothing ~ I’ve been diminished to no-thingness .. and it hurts !
I have been trying to keep “looking around the Riverbend”, trying to keep believing that indeed there must have been a reason for me
to “have to ‘let go’ of the job – again” … but all I see is the fiercely swirling water
in which I now find myself drowning.
People need changes, changes are a good thing … NOT !
Expressions like these are only used when something that you don’t want to happen, will happen !
There is nothing comforting about it … the truth is : changes are scary ! Especially the ones that are out of your control …
So is this my lesson in this lifetime ? Learning to “let go” , “say goodbye” , “welcome changes” ??
All I know is - I can’t do it ! I have been longing for a chance to start building something …
All I ever have to do, is “let go again” …

Wearing the mask I have been wearing, allowing no mistakes , doing the things that were demanded of me, becoming someone they wanted me to be , then being resented for doing it better than they ever could, trying to always please ~ and getting addicted to it in the end …
just wears me out , and has made me Fail My Life ! There is nothing left …
I have no family to call my own , no job to matter, no friends or colleagues who think I am worth remembering ,
no future to look forward to , no more dreams, no more hope …
So where is the great matter I was trying to teach my pupils, share with them ??
Was it an illusion ?

I will never find it With-Out , as long as indeed I can’t find it With-In …
But all I feel within, is an enormous, painful Emptiness ~ It’s like losing Faith , losing your religion ~
Losing everything I thought I once believed in , everything I thought I had discovered ?
It doesn’t seem to work for me anymore … and I know why, yet there’s nothing I can do about it.
It’s a thing called Ice-olation – isolation kills ! Iceolation only leaves room for Death …

Like my Inner Wolf has quietly died down, howling no more … I am quietly dying …
Everyone needs ‘others’ , to share ideas with, discuss beliefs, socialise and therefore grow …
To receive confirmation sometimes, and to give it – to find it With-in so you can give it to yourself …
to learn through examples, try outs, mistakes, positioning, participation ~ … to be a worthy member of the pack ~
……………….

Knowing all the above, yet being completely torn down by Feeling all the above, has left me with that one choice ,one giant leap , however
the only One still acceptable to me at this point
I want it all to end

The idea of Suicide ~ “Mors Voluntaria” ~ has been my friend for a long time ~
I have always found it comforting to know that there is this one thing I can actually decide for myself !
It is on the other hand just as scary now that I realise I will choose this option once again, it is so close at hand,
and I did learn from this mistake of mine before … I will not repeat it and fail, this time around it will terminate my existence on this level
– full stop.

I know that at one point in this earthly life I believed that spirits shouldn’t get to make this one decision
… it is time to go, when it is time to go … It shouldn’t be upto me to set that time.
Yet I have changed my mind on that
… and that too is a right.
Being the failure-at-life that I am, I should at least attempt to be successful at death ~

My last “pack” of pupils I ever taught is on their way to graduate “cub”-hood and move into the adult world exploring it as they choose …
and I know they will be able to do so
I miss being part of that glorious moment of theirs, yet I know it is okay for me to leave,
as it doesn’t really matter who sees them do it … as long as they do it !

I know that deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. This was written in a book someone dearly cherrished once hand-made for me !
But the real universe is always one step beyond logic !
So my choice complies with the universe, and will be understood by those
who accept to travel a point of view where many different pathways meet …

I cherish Marcus Aurelius “A life without a purpose is a languid, drifting thing”
~ and will therefore end the drifting here …

(krekel-4Wolf.)