~ Meeting again ...

It has been such a long time since I met with my Wolf here ~ and since I wrote down some of my deepest thoughts …Thoughts that kept me drawn within myself, within my head and within my Inner Being … so many thoughts that have been steering my feelings , in all kinds of ways, but mostly toward the edges of utmost fear, doubt, hesitation, and deep sadness.

So maybe it is time to let it all - or parts of it - surface, give me a chance to breathe deeper, find some Peace of mind, Peace of Being ~ ? Because the ‘living within my head’ for such a long time has made me a stranger to the world –once again, and a stranger to Myself. I chose to withdraw from the world that had proven to be a scary place to reside, yet I am aware of the simple fact that I most likely created it to be as such, and chose to regard it as fearful, but that this Soul probably did choose to come here for another reason … however I was not brave enough – for a long time – to meet the challenge.

Lots of stories start “once upon a time” .. So does mine.
Once upon a time there was a Soul, who chose to come back into the world, in a physical body, to take part in human Life, where there were chances to create realities that could bring her closer to the lessons she thought she wanted to encounter, opportunities to make her own hopes and dreams and aspirations become feasible, become real.
Somewhere along the way , for no obvious reason to mySelf at this point yet, she lost the dreams, hopes and aspirations, and started following demands, rules, and even ‘aspirations’ of someone outside herself…, outside mySelf. Society spoke, high-raging people that were following “society”, and that she had picked to be with, spoke , screamed, threatened , and even though at some times in her journey she had found courage to make different choices and follow different roads that felt closer to her own, she lost these as soon as she thought she had come across them !

Is it so, did I choose my parents to be my parents, to be born into this physical body with all the challenges it has been offering, and with all the events and ‘adventures’ that have been passing by and which I have allowed to sweep me along ?? Or rather, which I have “created” …?
Is it so, did I consciously take on all the things that I lived through so far ?
Was I the autist that decided it was time to stop living behind a wall and become brave enough to meet “the world differently” ?
And if so, did I choose wrong ??
And if so, did I really need to make m.s. a companion to tag along ?

I remember the “once upon a time”, when it felt “safe” to hide behind a wall, and experience Life “from a distance” …and how “unsafe” it felt, and still feels, more and more again every single day that comes along, to deal with it “up close and personal”. The Soul behind the wall was looking out, learning her own truths, yet keeping them safely Within ~ she had now chosen for a life in the ‘war-zone’, with fighting parents, extreme noises, painful physical encounters, her Within lost in a scary Without .
This maze in which she is residing never seemed to be where she wanted to go ?
Yet I am there !?

And my brain is –at this point still – a place of utter chaos …
Shall I say : to be continued ...

It feels as if lately I have been making so many mistakes again , and again, however careful and cautious I attempted to tread, those errors catapulted me right back into “my head” , the ‘ratio’ had to take over again, and spontaneous acts were banned …
‘cause however careful the treading, pain was created, whichever way I looked at it, too much pain …

It was as if I do believe, despite the screaming of this Soul Within, that I have no right to live my feelings?
feelings, sensations, …will, might, possibly create or lead to … pain !
There is no way I can allow mySelf to do that , inflict conflict in other people’s lives ~
then how should I live ??
and why does all this make me feel torn …
Because it is so far from the truth that I cannot deny it to be ‘not right’ … yet because I made this choice to follow my ‘needs’ , if only for a second in time, and because I chose to believe I was doing something right, if only for a fraction of a second in time, I inflicted pain – …
…- the kind of pain someone else, myriad times, inflicted in my life, and made me attempt so hard not to ever copy or imitate that …yet today I have ? Am I the child of the ones that raised me and is there no escape ?

So many questions in my head , and so many in my heart.
Is this the way my Soul needs to learn ? Or is it the ego-part of my ‘human’ shape that draws the cards ?
And how do I combine all the things that appear in my head, all the things I’ve come to believe, and all the things I seem to feel ??

Is there a way out of the ‘programmed brain’ my upbringing posed upon me?
How would I know whether my thoughts are in fact “my” thoughts, and how did I come to choose this “hand of cards” ?
Can a human ego “unlearn” the rules it came to master, and find back a Soul so lost ?
There is this need for me to write down these questions that invaded my head, caused sleepless nights, restless days, shattered my Faith in a right to Be.
Was there a reason for this Soul to descend into the physical plane and then get lost ?

Chaos ……………………

It is a given that “chaos” is not a constructive nor acceptable state of being in an autist mind ………
Where again did I say it was perhaps time to experience Life ‘up close and personal’ ?

There have been moments in my existence here on this planet when I did try it up close and personal, however, honesty bids it to add that those were probably the times when I wore the mask that others expected or wanted to see !
Where did I lose the Me-Creature , who is she , and do I really need to keep looking for her ?
Because I’ve grown accustomed to the mask, it is – sadly enough I now realise this !- another “safe wall” to hide behind and to prevent the Me-Soul from making horrible mistakes , which would, could, probably might cause PAIN … this does seem to be a rather full circle , does it not ……

Once upon a time – long long ago – the Me-Soul was a young adolescent, a ‘teenager’, who did not seem to fit in with all the other teenagers at the time ; help however did not come ;so the wall became a fact, and it was built thicker, higher, darker and heavier whenever the outside world grew gloomier …
One act of extreme bravery gave the Me-Soul run-away chances, but no matter how far she ran, she always ended up taking herself, and when herself wasn’t felt to be ‘good enough’, or felt to be ‘accepted’, she chose to retreat …
Walls turned to be masks, masks changed back into walls, …

The teacher-behind-the-Mask …
Does sound ‘zorro-ish’ , but was a true fact of this, my Life, at certain times ……
From behind the mask it felt safe enough to try to tell other ‘teenage Souls’, lost or losing themselves or doubting themselves, or ‘still dreaming and anticipating’ … about anything and everything ~
As there was the Wolf-Spirit Within, the teacher with Insights and understanding, compassion, Wisdom, knowledge from far beyond times ……
How did I lose her ? Did I lose her ? and if so, (I do remember someone at one point telling me “I am the Strength I seek”) will I allow the Strength I still seem to doubt find her back and start again ???
As this was never “my choice” ? I lived the life that my jailers expected me to live, and I did it one hundred percent right ! I became a master in acting ……
Yet when I was supposed to have chosen another purpose for my time here on this plane, why do I not quit the lies and let my Soul soar freely ?

Beautiful family to the “outside world”, in front of the eyes of society, never scrutinized ‘cause always accepted to be an “example” for everyone

Very lonely

Very hurt

And now “trapped” in a physical body that is trying to lead a life of its own ?
How can I “accept” a companion that hurts me more, that causes Fear, Anxiety, Pain ?
Isn’t it clear yet, ego-must-cease ?!! This companion the Me-Soul obviously chose to accompany her on the walk –(this is at times a painful joke !)- through Life, is probably the greatest of all Teachers ~
Moments I embrace the opportunity to learn, - all physical challenges do have symbolic messages for all of us – other moments I am too afraid to be willing to be “open-minded” …
I feel so tired !
Did I grow old before my time ??
Was I ever young ??
Just maybe I am an “old Soul” …

Again ~ to be continued ……

(Krekel 4 Wolf)