~ Tsunamies .. ?

Wolf Learnings , “what you send out, will return to you” …?
~ I tried with this ‘site’ I posted to bring all these ‘uplifting’ and ‘spirited’ type of messages, I tried ‘for ever’ to put all this into practice, live by it, believe it, and then “report” about my “life experiences” here … talk about my thoughts, hopes, ideas, learnings, … share it all.

I have now caught myself writing about the negative, depressive, downward spiral I seem to find myself in … caught, trapped, stuck … and since I have nobody to share it with “in real life”, I started using this site – with which I had so many different intentions ! - as a ‘diary’-type of thing, my “listening ear”, the one and only place where I could put down all my fears, heartaches, confusion, despair … , and so I have been sharing all this. ~ with whom I’m sharing I do not know, the site doesn’t talk back … maybe a good thing … beats talking to my kitchen walls ;-)

I do want to believe all the Positive, Joyful, Meaningful things I’ve been studying, reading about, listening to … and I am convinced that it can work , for a lot of people , yet I have no idea how I can start being “one of those people” ??

Is it the “childhood trap” that defines who gets to be successful, happy, fortunate, healthy ,
and who gets to live the other side of these .. ? Is this early time in life the trigger for chances, either way ?
And if so, then how can I change it back, how –if so – can I “redefine” my destination ?
I was “rejected” as a child, abused, scared, threatened, …. and every inch of Effort I spent on trying to “turn the tables”, was destroyed over and over, by the one person I obviously paid the most attention to , out of fear, out of longing to be accepted, … out of stupidity ?? But even though I "rationally" get it, am aware of the mere fact that "I" am supposed to be the 'captain' of my thoughts and can NOW choose different thoughts to believe and live by, I do not seem to manage to put this 'awareness' into practice ; how do I apply all the things I learned about, how do I implement them in my daily life ??

How can I ‘forgive’, if this is according to Louise Hay the one key to turn illness back to health , when all my mistakes lead me where I am now ? How can I “unlearn” to be “hard” to myself, and so forgive myself for accepting what ‘dad’ had taught me to be the “only thing acceptable to succeed in life”, and in accepting his harsh commands, creating an illness called multiple sclerosis ……
How do I actually follow Christiane Beerlandt's "key to self-liberation", when 'understanding' is not enough to see it become a 'factual' thing ... ??

Understanding all is not enough ... "All is connected", then why do I keep feeling apart from it all ? Why do I still feel as is I'm within this 'void', this 'vacuum', allowed to look 'out' and see ALL, yet not able to join in and participate ... ?

How can I get “excited about my life” , the expression Dr. Phil so firmly starts off his shows with, when –at this point- there’s nothing to be excited about , there are only things to ‘run away from and hide from and try to escape from ; or try to “survive” …’
And how on earth can I believe the few things I tried to put on a “vision board” – Oprah kind of suggestion – to become reality, when my reality right now is still ‘defined’ by massive depression and major despair … ?? With one of those 'wishes', 'dreams' I once wanted to 'visualize', 'create', being the most selfish thing anyone could ever want ... 'becoming a mom' ... too late ! And good for that one too !! How could I ever have wanted to put a child into this world, when I myself do not particularly like being in it myself !??

Have I sent out “Alone-ness” Energy as my Soul challenge ?
Have I chosen ‘rejection’ as my Soul lesson ?
Am I here on Earth in this lifetime to give my Soul these chances to experience loneliness , fear, desperation ?

IS THERE A WAY TO CHOOSE AGAIN ?
I think I will remain angry at myself …’cause I think I made a huge mistake if this is really “my doing”, if all this is actually “my choice” …
I really wish to “start again”; re-direct, re-define, head for another destiny … !
~ and if I have to “sit this one out”, then my only hope is, that I will at least find some meaning in it still ... !!

Because this is what I learned so far : I cannot do this ALONE !!

~ So here’s my “Wolf-Learning-message” for this page : The saying :“We cannot stop the waves from rolling in, but we can learn how to surf …” I altered to : ” when the waves that come our way are “Tsunami-type” waves, forget about surfing, ..just keep holding your breath …till you‘re lifted out by Angels ” ~

(krekel 4Wolf)

~ wegwerpmens..'throw-me-away-person' ~

~ “wegwerpmens” … I am still the “just throw me away” person ..

... and so here my thoughts continue ... more mistakes : errors of 'feeling' ...

Lately, I seem to repeat the mistakes I already made , once … , or more times ?
Will I never learn ?
I have –once again- made a heartbreaking choice , and so I know I’m headed for ‘yet again’ a fall ~ can see it happening already, even though it might still be a million miles away …
HEARTACHE waiting to happen … again !

I used to believe – or I used to think I believed (?) - part of me at least was a passionate person, entitled to affection and maybe even love ? Did I not believe that hard enough ? Was it a false believe, not real, a mere mirage, a painful illusion ?
And so will I keep living this , the ‘ice-O-lation, that I know all too well ?
I do keep wondering “what did I do wrong?” “why am I –(probably)- too afraid to accept something real, something good, warm, uplifting “??
- why can’t I truly believe I deserve it, like so many - ?

Am I carrying a sign around, saying : just throw me away after you’re done with me! ?
‘Cause this is how I feel : een wegwerpmens , a ‘just throw me out’ person …
My principal and colleagues , even my pupils, thought I was “such a great teacher” , until my ‘substitute’-role was over, and over again, and again, … and never was I offered a ‘real’ position, not anywhere … So how ‘great’ was I really ? Just “throw me out” when you ‘don’t need me anymore’, when you’re done with me …
So-called ‘friends’ of mine, or some of the men in my life even, “liked me for so many different reasons” ; ‘I like your sense of humour’, ‘I love your brain’, ‘I think you are the kindest, most helpful person I’ve ever met’ …. ??? So where have they gone ?
Why is all this so false ? So not true ?
“Just throw me away” !!!

Nobody ever chooses for me ... Something must be so terribly wrong with me ??

At the end of the day, everybody always has “someone else” to go back to …
“so just throw me away !”

So why do I keep making this mistake ? Is it because I am in need for people around me at certain times ? Am I not strong enough to carry the ‘aloneness’ endlessly ?
I know it is going to hurt, again , because the ‘goodbye’ is waiting to appear, again …
Nobody ever chooses to stay, not “for real” , and so perhaps I should just terminate my attempts to belong, to be loved, to be accepted in a social setting … ?

So how come I keep making this mistake ?? I know pain is waiting, I know I'll start longing for more, for something real, for a true connection, ... at a certain point, I am a PERSON, not a ROBOT, yet it feels like that, people like me when they need me, NOT when I need them !! I am not allowed to 'need' ?
So I know that that 'real thing' is NOT going to happen, I was even told so already, more than once even ...
so why do I keep 'hurting' myself this way ...???

“Just Throw Me Away” ~ again ...
ik , de wegwerpmens …

?
(krekel 4Wolf)